We Light Candles

Friday night Imagine staff attended a candle light vigil at the Presbyterian Church in Westfield.  Just one of many across the nation and in Connecticut. There are so many responses in the face of trauma and tragedy. Some people get angry.  Some seek revenge. Almost all feel sorrow and compassion. We try to make sense and find meaning.  We all hold our children closer and tell our friends and family how much we love them.  And we light candles.  This universal and simple ritual, whether done together in community, or for ourselves alone at home, provides some solace and healing.   Last Sunday was National Children’s Memorial Day. At Imagine, and around the world, we lit candles in memory of the children in our lives and everywhere who have died. Tonight, we lit candles once again. 

Below are some helpful ideas from from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network and the Hello Grief designed to help children, and adults, who may be struggling with their thoughts and feelings after today’s traumatic event.

• Start the conversation. Talk about the shooting with your child. Not talking about it can make the event even more threatening in your child’s mind. Silence suggests that what has occurred is too horrible even to speak about or that you do not know what has happened. With social media (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, text messages, newsbreaks on favorite radio and TV stations, and others), it is highly unlikely that children and teenagers have not heard about this. Chances are your child has heard about it.  

• What does your child already know? Start by asking what your child/teen already has heard about the event from the media and from friends. Listen carefully; try to figure out what he or she knows or believes. As your child explains, listen for misinformation, misconceptions, and underlying fears or concerns. Understand that this information will change as more facts about the shooting are known.

• Gently correct inaccurate information. If your child/teen has inaccurate information or misconceptions, take time to provide the correct information in simple, clear, age-appropriate language.

• Encourage your child to ask questions, and answer those questions directly. Your child/teen may have some difficult questions about the incident. For example, she may ask if  it is possible that it could happen at their school; she is probably really asking whether it is “likely.” The concern about re-occurrence will be an issue  for caregivers and children/teens alike. While it is important to discuss the likelihood of this risk, she is also asking if she is safe. This may be a time to review plans your family has for keeping safe in the event of any crisis situation. Do give any information you have on the help and support the victims and their families are receiving. Let your child/teen know that the person responsible cannot hurt anyone else. Like adults, children/teens are better able to cope with a difficult situation when they have the facts about it.  Having question-and-answer talks gives your child ongoing support as he or she begins to cope with the range of emotions stirred up by this tragedy.

• Limit media exposure. Limit your child’s exposure to media images and sounds of the shooting, and do not allow your very young children to see or hear any TV/radio shooting-related messages. Even if they appear to be engrossed in play, children often are aware of what you are watching on TV or listening to on the radio. What may not be upsetting to an adult may be very upsetting and confusing for a child. Limit your own exposure as well. Adults may become more distressed with nonstop exposure to media coverage of this shooting. If your child has watched coverage, take a minute to turn off the television and ask the child about what they think about what was seen. This also gives you an opportunity to discuss the event and gently correct misperceptions.

• Common reactions. Children/Teens may have reactions to this tragedy. In the immediate aftermath of the shooting, they may have more problems paying attention and concentrating. They may become more irritable or defiant. Children and even teens may have trouble separating from caregivers, wanting to stay at home or close by them. It’s common for young people to feel anxious about what has happened, what may happen in the future, and how it will impact their lives. Their sleep and appetite routines may change. In general, you should see these reactions lessen within a few weeks.

• Be a positive role model. Consider sharing your feelings about the shooting with your child/teen, but at a level they can understand. You may express sadness and empathy for the victims and their families. You may share some worry, but it is important to also share ideas for coping with difficult situations like this tragedy. When you speak of the quick response by law enforcement and medical personnel to help the victims, you help your child/teen see that there can be good, even in the midst of such a horrific event.

• Be patient. In times of stress, children/teens may have trouble with their behavior, concentration, and attention. While they may not openly ask for your guidance or support, they will want it. Both children and teens will need a little extra patience, care, and love. (Be patient with yourself, too!).

• Extra help. Should reactions continue or at any point interfere with your children’s/teens’ abilities to function or if you are worried, contact Imagine or your local mental health provider for resources and referrals.

The following is an excerpt from Alisha Krukowski's article "Moving Through Tragedy" from HelloGrief.org. We encourage you to read the article in it's entirety for more thoughts on helping yourself and others through this time of sadness and tragedy. 

• Put yourself on an immediate “news diet.” Just as with a regular diet, you need to make a conscious and implementable plan about your news intake. For you, that may mean allowing yourself to check in briefly with the news once every two hours. Or perhaps you’ll decide that giving yourself one solid hour, and then no other news for the day is a better fit. Regardless of your specific decision, make a plan and commit to sticking to it. Let friends and family know, so they are able to respect and support your choice. Take note of how you feel after checking in with the news. If you find you feel worse than before you checked in, more reason to limit your news intake. 
• Do something kind. It doesn’t matter what you do, but make a point to do something good or kind today, and each day as the crisis continues to unfold. Let someone ahead of you in traffic, leave a few extra dollars for your waitress, take your dog (and yourself) on an extra long walk. I’m betting you’ll feel better after doing something kind for someone else. There’s something immensely therapeutic about acts of kindness, which can help you to balance out the negative emotions you may find yourself inundated with in times of publicized sorrow.
• Refrain from posting “news” of the events on Facebook, twitter, etc. If you feel inclined to post about your feelings of sadness, your wishes for impacted families, or your feelings on tragedy in general, that may be something to consider. But posting updates about the tragedy itself will likely not help you or others. The specifics are often irrelevant, since the facts remain the same: Something terrible happened. Innocent individuals were injured or killed. There will never, ever be any bit of information or any new developments that will make any of this make sense.
• Ask for help if you need help. If the news of tragedy has left you feeling
  overwhelmed with grief, sadness, fear, or any other emotion, please seek
  immediate support. If you need a shoulder to cry on, call a friend or family
  member. If you feel that you are in crisis, call Contact We Care or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or go immediately to your local emergency room.
• If you have children in your life, be mindful of what they may be seeing and
  hearing. It is always a good idea to ask your children what they are feeling, and how you can help them to process those feelings. If you have any concerns about how to support your child through tragic events, you should reach out to school or grief counselors, therapists, or other local support services.
• Physically do something to help. This doesn’t mean you have to fly to the impacted areas. This means choosing to devote time, energy, or money to a cause that is close to your heart. You can volunteer at a homeless shelter, send money (even a few dollars) to an organization that speaks to you, or help to clean up litter at an underfunded playground or park. When you immerse yourself in something that is helping those in need, you may feel a sense of connection to people everywhere who are helping where help is needed. It’s a good feeling, and again, that can help to balance out some of the negative feelings.

“Our most important task as parents is raising children who will be decent, responsible and caring people devoted to making this world a more compassionate place.”  -- Neil Kurshan